Give me blood meow

White walls. Everything was so damn clean. You could smell the scent of disinfectant in the air, all over the place. I hated it, and I knew Mel hated it too.

She looked so fragile in the bed, so weak but yet so strong. She'd been holding on for years, struggling and fighting just to stay alive, and I adored her for that. I really did idolize my younger sister for not giving up, for not giving in. The cancer had almost got its hold on her so many times, but there she was, still alive.

“Now you have that look on your face again.” Mel smiled at me and touched her very short, uneven hair. It was kinda sad that she'd gone from having blonde, waist-long princess-like hair to this. She was still beautiful – she would always be beautiful – but I knew she missed it so much.

“What look?”, I asked as I sat down beside her on the bed, careful not to touch or disturb anything.

“I don't know. You've never explained it to me.” She shrugged and looked down at her hands, pulled a face. “God, I look like a fucking ghost. I'm so pale.”
“Nah, you're okay.”
“Well look at you – you're tanned if we're going to compare.” She held out her arm to show me the difference.

I knew she was pale. I knew she almost never saw the sun. I knew all of that, but I was just trying to be nice. It never worked; sure, she could smile, but she wasn't happy. None of the kind words helped, at all. I knew that too, she didn't have to tell me.

“I'm not tanned. I just... I just see the sun more often. Why don't you go outside anymore?”
“The neighbors stares”, she whispered. “The new ones. Especially the kids. It's not even funny to swing when they see me, and you know how much I love to swing.”

I knew she loved to fly, the feeling of being weightless, and suddenly I hated our neighboring kids. They had no fucking right to stare at my little sister, to make her uncomfortable and stop doing something she loved.
“You know what? Tell me next time, and I'll kick their tiny white asses and make 'em never stare again. Okay?”
She smiled, but I saw that sad look in her eyes. She didn't want me to do it, not really, but she knew she wouldn't be able to stop me. “Stop saying things like that, Sean. You know mom said you're not -”
“Allowed to kill anyone, yes, but that hasn't happen, has it?”
“Not yet, but Sean, you -”
“Yeah okay I promise. But if I ever catch them staring...” I smiled and gently stroke her over her cheek. “You know I hate the ones who doesn't understand.”
“You can't expect everyone to care or understand. Not everybody does.”

“I know, I know.”
Of course I knew some people just couldn't understand. I remembered at the beginning, when I was so depressed and scared, and people at my school made jokes about it. I couldn't remembered what they said, but I got so mad that I started a fight with one of the meaner guys. He ended up with a broken nose and he was so scared of me afterwards. Everybody was. I guess I was kinda scary, because I really lost my mind. Even I were scared, and I knew if anyone hadn't got that teacher to stop me, I wouldn't have. I would have keep on beating him, without even caring if he got, like, really damaged. I didn't care. He was just an asshole, and at that time I even thought he didn't deserve to be alive. He could be the sick one, that's what he deserved. Not my sister.

“What are you thinking about?”
“Hm? Oh, nothing. Really.” She smiled, but I knew something was wrong. It always was.

“Okay, what's up?”
“I just... I don't know. I'm scared.”
“Of what?”
“Time. This... this has never happened before. I mean... you know...” She took a deep breath and looked away. “It went too fast, you know? Usually it goes slower. This was more scary, it felt as if... as if...” Tears started to fall down her cheeks and she hid her face in her hands. “As if I was dying. Sean, I felt what it would be like.”
It went silent in my head. I couldn't think, I couldn't speak. She'd never told me anything like that before, not a single thing. I didn't know what it felt like, to pass out. She'd never told me.

“You're not going to die. You know that, right?”

“Sean, it's a possibility it might -”

“No. Don't say it.” I shook my head and took her hand. “I won't let you.”

She cried even harder, not trying to hide her tears anymore. “But who says it will be okay, that I'll be fine? You don't know how things will turn out.”
“Neither do you. I'm sure you'll make it.” I kissed her forehead lightly. “I can't see another ending.”

If you're going to die, there must be something seriously wrong with the world. As if it isn't already, but I can't lose hope. If I stop hoping, I wouldn't make it. I wouldn't be able to keep myself sane any longer.

“Isn't it better if I just die?”
“Mel!”
“What? I mean, isn't it worse to keep me here, when I'm suffering? Isn't it better for us all to just let me go?”
“Stop. Mel, stop this. You don't... you don't know what you're saying. You're not going to fucking die, we're going to make it, you're gonna be okay.” I bit my lip. I could feel the metallic taste of blood. Good. Then I had something to concentrate on, something that would make me not cry, not lose my mind.

I'm scared too, Mel. I'm scared. What if I lose you? I can't even stand the thought of living without you here.

“Sean, I'm freezing.”

I felt as if I was a robot when I put my arms around her, held her as tight as I dared. “My baby sister”, I whispered. “My sweet, sweet baby sister. You know I would do anything to take your place, right?”
She was silent, but I could hear her breath go slower and slower, and she fell asleep. I held her for so long – I didn't even know what time it was, or how long I'd been sitting there, but it didn't matter. It really didn't.

After a while I let her go to go find our mother. I had no idea where she was, but probably still in the hospital. I didn't really know why I went to look for her – maybe I wanted to tell her what Mel said, maybe I just wanted a hug, wanted someone who could say that everything was going to be okay.

I'd only got to the reception when a few doctors and nurses ran pass me. I watched them and stood still, suddenly having a bad feeling. I felt it in the chest, and it was so bad I couldn't breathe. My heart stopped when they ran in to Mel's room.

No.

I ran after them, trying to stay calm and keep myself together, but it was hard.

Please. No. Please let it be a false alarm, please let it be some others room. Please.

They were all standing around her and some nurses stopped me from going in. I yelled, went mad, almost smashed a table to pieces, cried, begged, cursed at them, but they wouldn't let me in. Mom came there too and since she was much more calm than I was at that moment they told her they had to do what they could for Mel, that they didn't know... and that was all I could hear. I started to yell again, asked what they were talking about. Mom held me close and I cried even more.

I'm so fucking scared, Mel. Tell me everything's okay.

We sat outside for what felt like forever, just waiting. We listened to the small noises we could hear through the door, trying to find something calming in the chaos that became our reality in a few seconds.

Mel, don't do this. Don't die. I won't let you. No. You're not going to die. You won't die. You can't die.

She could, and she did. Her death drove me insane, out of my mind, and I was all alone in my head again. No one could do anything about it, because I fell so long, hit the ground so hard. A piece of me died with her, and I gave up on everything.

Fuck you, Mel. Fuck you. Thank you very much for leaving me when everything's finally started to go well again. Thank you for making the voices in my head become even louder. Thank you.

Even though I'm angry, I can't hate you. I just... I can't. Every time I say that I hate you, I start to cry and regret it and beg for forgiveness. I love you so fucking much, but it hurts, you know. It hurts.

I'm sorry, Mel. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I couldn't take your place, I'm sorry for not being the sick one.

I'm sorry that I couldn't save you. I'm sorry that I don't know how to save a life. I would've if I could, but I can't.

And I hate it.