I wake up to your sunset, and it's driving me mad
When I woke up that morning, I couldn't remember what day it was. I thought it was a normal, regular day as I got out of bed and got into the shower. I was actually making a day-plan; I had to tidy the kitchen, do some laundry, and something else. The ghost of a thought was stuck in my head, something that flew away as I tried to grasp it, remember. That bothered me a lot, for some reason. It felt as if I'd forgotten something extremely important.
Wrapped in a towel and drying my hair with another one, I made my way down to the kitchen without tripping or falling or anything like that. Quite impressive to be me, actually. As I was walking, I realized the whole house was a mess. You could probably blame me for that, but it really wasn't my fault. Honestly.
I walked passed the calendar that hanged on the wall right by the door and stopped. The date of today was marked with a heart and lots of exclamation marks. I couldn't figure out what could be so important that I used an awful lot of those marks. I never did. Never.
Slightly confused I moved on to the refrigerator. I couldn't ignore the thoughts about what I'd forgotten about, so it must have been really really really important – something more important than life, oxygen and other important stuff. Like chocolate.
Who could even forget something like that? Me, apparently.
It took a while for me to remember. By that time I had made breakfast, eat it and was thinking about getting dressed, like at all (I was going to be home all day anyway). What made me realize the importance of that day was my cellphone, which played an awful little tune, calling for attention. I unlocked it and opened the text message.
See you soon baby! Miss you so much xxx
I just stared at the screen, tried to figure out why he had sent that. (I was really tired since I'd basically been up all night, so don't blame me for being stupid.)
And then – bam.
Kyle's coming home. Today. That's what the heart in the calendar meant. He's coming home from tour. My baby's really coming home.
Kyle, my boyfriend, was the frontman of the pop punk band called Over The Moon. Sometimes he complained about the name, said it was a bit childish, but they never changed it. They were kind of fond of that name, and I don't really think they did mind the name. When Kyle wasn't in a bad mood, he always said he absolutely loved the name. “I was thinking of you when we choose the name”, he'd say. “I love you to the moon and back, and over it too. I'm absolutely lost in space about you.” Yeah, he always knew how to charm me and make me blush. That cheeky bastard.
The band had just released their second album, Totally – I really had no idea where they got that from, I didn't even ask – and was on the verge of celebrity. People knew their name and they'd played some of their songs on the radio, and that's what made them well-known, I think.
The last months they'd been on their first worldwide tour. I hadn't been able to join them, be there for Kyle, so I hadn't seen him in what felt like forever. I missed being close to him, hearing him whisper sweet nothings in my ear, feel him playing with my hair. He had been calling before every show to make me say good luck and blow him a kiss, and every night he'd called on Skype. At least during my nights – sometimes it was morning wherever he was, or midday, but he always called to say goodnight, promised he'd come home soon, sing songs for me. Sometimes the other members of the band joined him to chat and were so adorable I wanted to hug them all. I made Jake, the bassist of the band, promise to look after Kyle before they went away, and during those calls he always gave me an update on what had happened. If he was there, of course. I was so thankful for him, since he was Kyle's best and oldest friend, so I could trust him. He was like a brother to me, and Kyle let us hang out together without being an asshole because he knew that there would never ever be anything between us. Not anything romantic or sexual, at least. (It would've been funny to make him jealous, though.)
Those calls made me miss him so much, and the hardest was when I knew it was daytime wherever he was, because that made him feel so much more far away from me. Like we were on different planets.
But now he was coming home. Finally.
My first reaction was to be overwhelmed by happiness, but panic followed shortly after. I had a few hours to fix some things to his homecoming, but I didn't know where to start. I was so confused I didn't really know what to do either, and that made things worse. When I was thinking about it, I couldn't even remember what time he would arrive at the airport. I was sure I'd wrote it down somewhere, maybe on the phone, but I wasn't sure.
I ran around like crazy, trying to clean the house up, make it look a bit nicer, and tried to breathe. It didn't work that well. Apparently I couldn't think, do some planning for the rest of the day and evening, and do some other stuff at the same time. I didn't get much done during the first hour, so I panicked.
Kyle will be home in approximately four hours. He probably won't care if the house is a mess. I'll need at least one hour to get to the airport, since I don't have a car. God, I need to fix that, soon. So, what can I do the last three hours?
I put Over The Moon's Totally on and just breathed. Hearing Kyle's voice calmed me down and got me excited in a more explainable way. I missed his voice when it didn't come from a speaker, and soon I'd have it right beside me.
Kyle's coming home.
One of my favorite songs off the album was a song Kyle claimed was about me. It was a slow-paced song with a beautiful almost acoustic with soft guitars, and then, around the middle, it got faster and more powerful somehow. It made me shiver and smile every time I heard it because I remembered Kyle's words about the song, reminded me about all the things we'd done, been through. It reminded me about my feelings for him. How much I loved him.
As time ticked closer to when I was supposed to leave home, butterflies started to grow in my stomach. It was impossible to stop smiling – I smiled so much my cheeks hurt – but it didn't matter. I almost felt sick though, as if I was about to throw up any second, but also that was okay. I jumped around and tried to calm down, even though nothing I did helped. It ended up with me calling a cab a bit too early. I thought I'd rather wait for him at the airport than driving myself insane at home. And hopefully going to the airport would calm me down, make me feel like I was actually doing something.
Ironically, one of Over The Moon's songs were playing on the radio station the young cab driver had on in the car.
“You look nervous”, he said after a short while of silence (and me trying to be still). “Are you going to meet someone or something?”
“My boyfriend”, I answered and stroke a few strands of hair off my face. It was getting in my eyes and that annoyed me so much. “He's been touring and he's coming home today.”
“Oh, I see. Congratulations or something.” He smiled at me through the driving window. “He's very lucky to have a beautiful girl like you.”
“Aw, thank you”, I said and blushed. “That's kind of you.”
“I guess so. Well, you look so nervous so I just thought I'd say something. Smalltalk does help sometimes, to cure the nervousness. Does it help? 'Cause I really suck at this.”
“No it doesn't, but it's okay. I guess I'm just too nervous.”
He shrugged and focused on the road again, still smiling. “The music might help”, he said and turned Kyle's voice up a bit.
No, hearing Kyle's voice right now does NOT calm me down. Not now.
When we arrived at the airport I basically threw myself out of the car. My heart was hammering in my chest, making it harder to breathe. My breaths were just shallow whatever I did, and I really tried to calm down because I didn't want to faint when I saw him.
After reading on the digital boarder and seeing that Kyle's flight was going to be ten minutes late, I sat down on a bench and closed my eyes. Somehow it was much more easier to just exist when I did that. Seeing nothing made me calm enough to be able to take actual breaths. When I opened my eyes again, I was ready to meet Kyle.
I stood up and walked to the gate, waited. I saw the plane make a landing, and my heart started to beat faster. I could almost hear a drum roll – that would've been epic if it actually happened. Something else that would've been awesome; if you could have a soundtrack about your life. Like it's a movie or something.
Hello, weird little thoughts. How are you today?
The door opened and people carrying bags walked out, talking and laughing. I stood on my tiptoes a few meters away, ten maybe, and tried to get a glimpse of him. Just a small glimpse to see that he was alive, that he was okay. That it was for real.
And there he was. He was wearing a pair of well-worn converses on his feet, black jeans which had holes in it and was ripped in some places. Underneath the leather jacket he had what looked like a white shirt which I knew fit perfectly on him – I'd seen it before because it was his favorite, he'd told me that at least a thousand times – and he had a scarf around his neck. The dark blonde hair was a mess, like always. He carried two bags; one over his shoulder, and the other one was a guitar case he held in his free hand. It seemed like he was looking for someone, and he had a mix of anxiety and excitement in his sparkly blue eyes as they searched around for something. His gaze found me after a short while, and my heart stopped. We were just staring at each other for a short while before he started to smile like an extremely happy lunatic, dropped what he had in his hands and ran towards me.
I stood there like paralyzed, trying to actually believe that this wasn't a dream, that it was really happening.
Kyle's home.
My feet started to move and I ran the last meter that was between us before we crashed into each others arms. He held me close, arms around my waist, and laughed. The laugh was a small noise in my ear, but it was enough to make me shiver. Tears started to build up in my eyes and I realizes that he really was there, that it wasn't in my mind. He spun me around like they did in those stupid romantic comedies that you just sighed at because none of those things in them happened in reality. Not a single one. Except for now, because he really did spin me around a couple of turns, and it made me giggle like a little girl.
He stopped and took my face between his hands, looked me deep into my eyes. “I'm home now, baby.”
“I know”, I said as I once again stood on my tiptoes and kissed him. I couldn't believe I'd actually forgotten how he tasted, how perfect his lips were. I hated myself for not remembering every tiny piece of him, but that was all forgotten as he kissed me back.
“Hellooo? Earth to Kyle and Juliet? Stop being cute and follow me!” Jake tugged at his arm, but Kyle just slapped him away, or something like that. I started to giggle again and he smiled against my lips. “C'mon, we have to go pick up the other bags. Please? Aw shit, don't give a crap about me that's cool I'm not hurt at all.” He sobbed, then let out a sigh. “Then I might as well go have sex with Drake in the public bathroom...”
“Hey, keep your filthy hands off me will ya?”
I laughed and turned around to face Jake (Kyle instantly put his arms around my waist again) and kissed him lightly on the cheek. “Don't torture poor Drake. We'll go with you, okay?”
“Yay!” He hugged both me and Kyle at the same time and basically skipped all the way to the walkway with bags on it. Kyle took my hand as we followed him, and he didn't let go. Not once. He still held my hand as we said goodbye to the rest of the band, walked out to get a cab, threw the bags inside and sat close to each other in the backseat. I could see the cab driver smiled, but he didn't say anything.
“Gosh, you're so beautiful”, Kyle whispered and kissed the side of my neck. “So damn beautiful...”
I couldn't stop smiling, even though my cheeks started to hurt again. I wasn't able to talk, was too struck by happiness to manage to get some decent words out of my mouth. Kyle didn't seem to bother though, which was good. We had all the time in the world to talk – it didn't have to happen right in that moment. We could wait.
It turned out that Kyle had some plans for the day. Since it only was early afternoon and he said he remembered he'd promised to go shopping with me, that was exactly like we did. He treated me like a princess, didn't let me get my wallet out of my pocket, not even once. “Don't even think about it”, he said as I tried just one time to pay with my own money. He threatened to wrestle me down to the floor, and since I knew he could be serious about the most weirdest things, I let the wallet stay in my pocket. He seemed quite pleased with that.
We stayed in town for a few hours, just talked and walked around in different shops. Every time he noticed I kind of checked something out, he took me inside and it always seemed to end up with him buying it (and more) for me. I didn't really mind – I did need some new clothes.
We were only interrupted by fans trice during our time in town, which was surprisingly few people for a normal day in town. Sometimes he could barely leave the house to go to the grocery store without having fans hanging after him. You probably think I was jealous of them or something, but I wasn't. I was glad he'd inspire them and made them happy. I helped them taking pictures with him and smiled all the time, couldn't stop. Kyle looked so happy about achieving something, being a good guy, and his happiness infected me.
We had dinner at some restaurant when the evening crept closer, and it was dark outside when we got a cab and headed home. As soon as we'd gotten in to the house Kyle took the shopping bags from me to drop them on the floor. He started to kiss me and pushed me up against the wall, which spoke for itself.
That was one thing I'd missed. Being so close to him. It's not like I was extremely horny or something, but I'd still missed it. I just hadn't realized exactly how much until I found myself with my back against the wall, having his hands all over my body.
Later, when we were tucked in bed, I was completely happy. His body was so close to mine, one of his arms around my waist. His thumb gently stroke over my stomach, causing me to shiver. His other hand held one of mine, played with our fingers. Twinned and twisted them together. I enjoyed it, enjoyed just being with him again.
Everything was okay for the first time since he'd left for tour.
“Mm, you're so much better than the other girls...”
I turned around and gave him a look that made him laugh, tighten his grip around me.
“I'm joking. You know that, right?”
“I know.”
He smiled and pressed his lips lightly against the tip of my nose. “Good. 'Cause I love you too much to even think about loving another one. You're the one for me, I swear.”
He was too cute and I was too happy to tell him to fuck off. I would've if I could've, because I knew it would have made him laugh. I loved his laugh, couldn't really get enough of it.
“Goodnight, angel”, he whispered, his lips just touching my forehead, and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
When morning came, I got confused. I couldn't remember who was in my bed with me, or why the person was there. I guess the confusion came from spending so many nights alone lately, but as soon I turned around and saw that Kyle was there, still sleeping, it all made sense. Everything about him made sense to me somehow, and suddenly it all felt normal again.
Kyle´s home.
I buried my face in his shirt and just laid there for a while. I was way too happy to go back to sleep again, but that was okay. That was what coffee existed for.
After a while it got boring though, because I'd decided that I would let him sleep, and boy – that man could sleep. He also snored a lot, as he always did when he was extremely tired and fell in a very deep slumber. I guess he was that tired then, but I also knew it could be jet lag that fucked him up. That was okay too.
Instead of waiting for him to wake up, I got out of bed. I fetched one of Kyle's shirts and put it on me, buttoned it on my way down to the kitchen. The first thing I did was to look at the calendar and smile. Seeing the heart on yesterday's date made me think about the wonderful sleeping person upstairs, and that he was going nowhere for a while. I didn't have to miss him anymore.
I decided to make french toast and perhaps wake him up with breakfast in bed, but I didn't get that far. I was standing by the stove when he surprisingly walked down the stairs, yawned. “Good morning, sunshine”, he said and put his arms around me, pressed his lips against my neck.
“Hello handsome”, I said with a giggle and tilted my head backwards so he could kiss me. “I was planning on bringing you breakfast in bed...”
“Oh. Do you want me to go back to sleep or...?”
“No, stay with me. I've missed you enough.”
He smiled and hugged me closer before he let me go. “Then I can make myself useful, I guess.”
Since I was almost done with the toasts and didn't need any help with that, he started to clean up the small chaos I'd created. He also found plates and orange juice, and for some reason that felt important. “D'you want coffee?”
“No thanks.”
At the same moment he turned on the coffee maker, Kyle's phone began to ring. He looked surprised at it as it vibrated so much it almost fell off the table. The name on the screen was familiar, but it gave me a strange feeling in my stomach. It was David Coleman, Over The Moon's manager.
The thing was that he never rang unless there was something important going on. I still remembered the last time he'd called – that was to announce their first head-lining worldwide tour.
He picked up the phone and answered, started to mumble and walked out of thee room. I continued to make breakfast and tried to ignore the feeling in my stomach. I sat down at the table and waited for him to get back, trying to be patient and not pace back and fourth just because I was both curious and worried. Those two feelings walked hand in hand for some reason I couldn't understand right in that moment.
As soon as I heard steps walking into the kitchen, I looked up to see Kyle walk towards me with a confused look on his face. His eyes were fixated at the phone in his hands, played with it a bit. Turned it around, flipped it over. “That was, uhm... Dave...”, he said in a kind of avoiding voice.
“Yeah I saw that. What did he want?”
“He uhm... he wanted to tell me something. He wanted to say... that...” He took a deep breath and looked at me. “There's going to be another tour. Around the US. He... I, I told him I'd think about it. I mean, we just got home, after all. But yeah.”
I raised my eyebrows in some kind of disbelief. “You... what? Are you serious?”
“Deadly”, he said as he jumped up on the kitchen counter. He gave me a very serious look. Was he worried? It looked like it, and it didn't calm me down. Not a bit. The confusion and the sick feeling of falling down a black well without a bottom didn't disappear.
“I... Kyle, you... You just got home...”
“Yeah I know. But I didn't say yes or anything, right? I didn't. The band will have to meet and talk about this. I mean, I've got you and Andy's got his kid.”
“Kyle. You know what will be answer in the end. You're not stupid.”
He looked down in his lap, bit his lower lip. “I know.”
“For fuck's sake, Kyle. Is this the way it's going to be? Am I going to have to miss you like, literally all the time?”
“No. Juliet, I... it's just for now. We have our chance right in front of us, we can't just... we...”
“So the band's more important than, for example, me?”
“...when did I say that? I didn't. Juliet, I love you, you know that.”
“I just can't stand missing you”, I whispered and hugged myself, tried to keep the tears away. “I just fucking can't.”
“Juliet, please calm down. Look at me. Please? Just look at me.”
I didn't. I just couldn't stand look at him and knowing that he'd soon be gone again. I also knew I was being a bit selfish, but I did care about the band, no matter what my reaction was. Kyle was obviously so much happier than he was before, now when he got to do what he really wanted to do. What he always wanted to do. I wished I could go with him, never having to miss him again, but that was impossible. If I just could join him it would all be okay, be good, because I didn't know what I could do to keep the feeling of missing him so much it hurt away.
“Juliet? What's going on in your head right now? Tell me, I want to know.”
“I can't stand this.” I looked up to see the confusion take over him. “Kyle, this hurts too much. Don't you get it? I'm worried, like, constantly all the time. Worried that something might happen to you, that you get hurt, that you get fucked up. Do you remember back then, when I found you almost dead? Do you remember that? What if that happens again? What if you... you actually...” I shook my head and couldn't stop the tears any longer.
“Juliet, no. No, honey – that won't happen again.” He put his arms around me, held me close. “It won't, I promised. I promised in the hospital too, didn't I? Never again. I won't fucking die. You have my word, and you also have all my heart.”
“But that wasn't enough back then”, I whispered and closed my eyes. “It wasn't enough.”
“That was because we didn't know each other this well. I didn't know you loved me as much as I love you, I thought you would just go on without a second thought. Without remembering me, missing me. I love you Juliet, I fucking love you so much it fucking hurts. This hurts me too, and I'm also constantly worried that something might happen to you. But pretty please, promise me you honestly don't think I'll try to kill myself again.”
“Those thoughts only come when you're away. I don't really think that will happen again, but I can't stop it, you know?”
“Yeah, I know. Just... I love you, okay? I'll stay home if you really want me to, we don't really have to go on tour again so soon, it can wait. Just let me talk with the boys first. I can't take this decision on my own – that wouldn't be fair to any of them.”
And I'm not being fair to any of you. Is there really a difference between us right now? “Kyle”, I said as I put my hands on his face, looked at him with a serious face. “Go. Go to tour again, it's okay. As you said, your chance is right in front of you. I want you to take it, okay? I want you to be happy, and you're happy when you're performing in front of all these screaming teenage girls. I know they'll never love you as much as I do, but they deserve it too.”
“But... Juliet...”
“No buts. Please Kyle, just do it.”
“But I'm happy when I'm with you too.”
“I know, but - “
“No buts. Juliet, if you want me to stay home...”
“Stop!”, I yelled and flew up from the chair, shook my head again. “Stop talking. I need to think, okay? I'm going out for a walk.” I ran upstairs and put on the first pair of pants I could find and rushed for the door, hoping he wouldn't follow me.
“Promise me you'll come home later”, I heard his voice almost shouting before I closed the door. “Promise!”
You know I'll be back. Where could I go, anyway?
A few hours later I was empty when it came to emotions. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't really sad either. Just empty. At least I was calm and knew I could sit down and have a reasonable conversation with Kyle about this, and that was something.
I just got inside the house before Kyle jumped down the last steps in the stairs and grabbed my wrist. “Juliet!”, he was and seemed to be relieved. “Finally! Come here.”
“Kyle...”, I said with a confused voice as he dragged me towards the living room. “Are you mad at me or something...?”
“No”, came the short answer. He almost pushed me down on the sofa and looked down on me, ignored my raised eyebrow and questioning gestures with my hands. He just stood there and bit his lip for a few minutes. “Okay, here we go”, he whispered and nodded lightly before going down on one knee. My eyes got a bit wider and I just stared at him with disbelief. “Juliet. My dear Juliet. Would you like to marry me?” He pulled a ring out of his pocket and gave me a shy smile.
I hardly couldn't breathe, so I just stared at him and waited for him to laugh and say it was a joke. We could laugh about that and it would all be okay.
He's still looking serious.
“...it's a love story, baby just say yes?”, he almost singed and smiled in an awkward way. “Or... do you want me to do a speech about my feelings for you and how much I love you and how our future could -”
“No”, I said as I put my index finger lightly over his lips, making him go quiet. “I just... you surprised me...”
“That was the plan”, he murmured against my finger. “Glad it worked.”
“...yes. I said yes. I do. Whatever. I want to marry you.” I started to smile as I saw the happiness grow in his eyes and make its way to his lips, make him smile in a happy-psycho way. Happy-psycho-squirrel, kind of. It didn't matter whatever he looked like – he was still the most gorgeous guy I'd ever laid my eyes on, and he was my perfect match, my missing piece.
“Yes! Aw thank you baby!” He flung his arms around me and hugged me close again, pressed his face against my shirt. Laughed. “Thanks babe.”
“No problems.” I slid down from the couch and put my arms around his neck, kissed him eagerly. “I do, baby. I do.”
He laughed again and kissed me back. “So you believe me when I say that I'll love you even more than being famous and wanted, and that I won't go die in a hotel room like those old rock stars who became junkies and sad?”
I couldn't help the laughter nor the tears. “I trust you, I promise. I know.”
“Good”, he said and pushed me down on the floor. “And now, let me show you exactly how much I love you...”
Honey, you don't have to. This was good enough for me, you're good enough for me. No matter how clumsy you can be with words sometimes. It's okay.
...but if you're insisting so... that's actually kind of nice too.
Aw, how cute 'u'
