I felt the thunder, Mr. Don't Look So Scared (english)
Why did it hurt so much, just sitting beside someone you love – or at least loved? Or wasn't it because of that, that it was the reason why we were sitting there that hurt the most?
The last months, when people asked me how everything was between me and Josh, I honestly didn't know what to say. The truth was that we were going down, and it was bad. Really bad. A marriage with someone you don't – can't – trust, someone who certainly did not trust you, was bound to fail. I think that's what hurt the most, that I couldn't trust him and he didn't trust me either.
I looked down at my hands in my lap, twirling my hands. This was just too awkward, sitting on a couch with a man you recently had a huge fight with (well, it must have been at least an hour a ago, but still – recently). I could bet all I had that he didn't look up to see me, to smile that little crooked smile I loved so much, not even once.
Couldn't that damn therapist or whatever he was just come and free me from the awkwardness? Why was he even late?
As if someone had heard my prayers, a short and kind of funny-looking man hurried down the hallway in a fast pace. “I'm so so so sorry that I'm late!”
“It's okay, it's not like we're in school or something”, murmured Josh. If everything had been normal, he would've looked at me at smile and looked absolutely dashing, and I would've giggled, but things had changed. A lot.
How could you possibly miss someone who was right there with you?
We both rose from the couch and Josh made a small gesture forward, as if he was saying “Ladies first” without talking, but I stayed put just to annoy him. I could tell it worked. He shook his head and let out a small sigh before walking past me. He was upset – he was upset already when we left the house, but it was even more obvious now somehow. I could tell that only by looking at his neck. I was about to reach out and touch it, tell him to relax and kiss him on the cheek, but then I remembered that I couldn't do that anymore.
“Come in, come in..” We walked into an office – Josh didn't even hold the door for me, but that was kind of okay. On the desk stood a small sign. Thomas Campbell, marriage counselor.
Great.
Why was there a couch in there? Would I really have to spend another forever beside him, trying to not look at him and not have a mental breakdown? Was it so hard to put some fucking chairs there instead?
What had I done to deserve my bad karma?
I sat down, crossed my legs and shoved my hair over my shoulder, like a curtain so I could hide from my... husband. My soon-to-be-ex-husband, probably. I didn't know if things would get better, not even going to this... counselor, but I was ready to give if at least one shot. If it didn't work out, well, then there was nothing more to do than get a divorce. I was hoping things wouldn't turn out that bad, because underneath that now angry and grumpy outside he had nowadays, Josh really was the sweetest person you could ever imagine.
The only problem was that I was sick of trying. I was sick of trying to talk to him about it, trying not argue, trying not to scream at him and cry every fucking night.
“So...” Thomas looked at us from behind the desk. The silence was so solid I really thought that if I just reached out I could touch it. “Let's talk.”
“About what?”
I turned to Josh, looked angrily at him. “What kind of stupid question was that? Seriously. Where'd your brain go?”
“Shut up, Tay. Just shut the fuck up. It's not like you're so bright yourself.”
“I haven't said otherwise you stupid chipmunk.”
He started to laugh, but it was not a happy sound. “A chipmunk? Did you just call me a chipmunk? Sweetheart, did you just run out of insults?”
The fact that he just called me “sweetheart” pissed me off more than anything he'd done and said that day, and he'd done a lot and said so many things. I bet he knew how irritating it was for me when he did that. It was like he said that just to provoke me. “You sure look like a fucking chipmunk”, I said and looked away, brushed a few strands of hair from my face. “You got fat cheeks and all.”
“They're not fat, and besides, you said that it was cute.” Josh wasn't fat. His body was extremely gorgeous underneath all the clothes and we both knew that. His slightly chubby cheeks were adorable and I loved them as much as I loved his whole face, but I just couldn't tell him that anymore. It was impossible.
“Yeah, but things change, right?
“Okay, cut it now.” Dear Thomas, you have to point guns at our heads and send us to different rooms to make us stop. I don't even know if any of that will help – I certainly don't know about the guns, but I know that the shouting and never ending rants won't stop because there's a wall between us. Sad, but true. I can't even count all the time we'd shout through walls and closed doors, or how many times he'd shout while I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. “This is actually interesting and a way for me to find out how to help you, but I need to stop you here for a while. I just need to ask questions, then you can talk again. Josh, do you know why you're here?”
“Yes.”
“Taylor, do you know why you're here?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Did you get this recommended by someone, perhaps a friend or another family member, or did you both take this decision by yourself?”
Forced. By several reasons and persons who care for us.
“Recommended”, we both answered at the same time. I didn't even look at him, as I'd done the times similar things had happened. I just couldn't.
“Alright. Talk, tell me what happened. Why you ended up here. How do you feel about all this?”
I knew that this request (or demand, maybe question, whatever it was) would come, but I honestly didn't know what to say. Okay, yes I did know what I wanted to say, but I had no idea where to begin. I never knew that when I was supposed to talk, like most people I guess. Since Josh sat quiet, drumming lightly on his thighs without even looking up, I guess I was the one who were going to talk. Or at least start.“Well... I don't really know where to start...”
“From the beginning, maybe?” Josh's sarcastic answer made me want to slap him hard in the face, punch him as hard as I could in the crotch and tell him to shut up. All at the same time, of course.
Instead, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm down. “No, I'm gonna skip to the ending of course.” Asshole. “Anyway... I though were were doing good, that we were happy. I mean, he was perfect. He was so nice and sweet and gentle, and he always knew how to make me laugh – even when I was at my worst. But then...” I let out a small sigh. “I don't really know exactly what happened, it's all kinda fuzzy, but suddenly we could argue about the most ridiculous things, and we did. All the time. I can't remembered what made things go worse – I only remember I coming home from a party and finding Josh in bed with another woman. Isn't it quite obvious how I feel about that?”
“I can totally understand your feelings, but don't stop talking. How do you feel about this?”
“I'm mad, and hurt. And disappointed, in some way. I mean, yeah we were having a hard time, but I don't think it would've been this bad if he hadn't -”
Chuckles. Small, amused chuckles. “Oh baby, aren't you forgetting something now? A small happening that even came before Lindsey?” I wanted to kill him, since I hadn't known that fucking whores name, until now. I'd been perfectly happy with not knowing, and I bet Josh had figured that out. “Something you left out of the story?”
I looked at Josh and tried to make sure he knew how much I hated him right in that moment, without saying anything. The truth to be told, I had no idea what he was talking about. I couldn't remember anything but the fights before Josh went to cheat on me with some ugly bitch named Lindsey. By the way he said it, it must have been something I'd done, because otherwise he would've shut up about it. His jaw dropped when I raised one of my eyebrows, like I was asking for an explanation. He also looked kinda hurt, so it must have been something really important. Or at least important for him. Thomas looked at Josh with interest in his eyes, as if this was some kind of drama/reality tv-show where things just had gotten exiting. It wasn't exiting – the whole situation made me want to tear my hair out and trash everything in the whole room. Or why not the whole wide world?
“What are you talking about?”
“Let's go back to that party. I don't think Tay said this, but we could easily make up after our arguments. I kinda had bad conscience after our fight that night, especially since I knew she was going out and all, so I took my car and went after her, to apologize. I couldn't remember which friend she said was having this party, so I drove around and was hoping to find her. Eventually I did, but in the arms of some other fucking guy.” He folded his arms on his chest, looked directly at Thomas. I saw his face anyway, and I saw how hurt he actually was. “I saw them kissing and he was touching her in ways I thought only I was allowed to do, and I lost it. I remember leaving, and now I'm only happy that I didn't get out of the car and kicked the crap out of that piece of shit. And no, I'm not talking about Tay there – I've never hit her, even though she has slapped me and kicked me and stuff several times. I have never, ever, laid my hands on her that way. I swear.”
That was true. He might have held my wrists tightly, but that was in bed (sometimes he did that, but I really didn't mind – it was kind of sexy in a way, as long as it didn't get too much) or to make me stop hitting him. He had never hurt me. Notphysically, at least. Never.
“I believe you. Go on.”
Josh looked at me, and this was as emotional I'd ever seen him in what felt like forever. “So don't come here and being all good, saying I'm the bad guy here, because it was you who started it all.”
Silence. I was speechless. I wanted to scream that it wasn't true, that he was lying, but now when it was said och everything, I remembered. But it was not as bad as he made it look.
I hadn't got a clue he went to see me. I thought he stayed at home, not giving a shit about me and what I was doing. The thought that he might wouldn't care if I died had flew through my head that night, and that had scared me. I knew that it might sounded a bit extreme, but that fight had been worse than the others. A lot worse.
“You won't believe me, but it was not what it looked like. I -”
“You started it all!”, he yelled and reached for the tissues on the table. I wanted to groan and hide my face in my hands.
Oh god. Not this. Please Josh, no.
He started to fake-cry so hard his shoulders were shaking, and he hid his face in a couple of tissues. He both looked and sounded so fucking ridiculous, but I couldn't laugh. This time I only thought he was annoying. Other times, before everything went total shitstorm, I could cuddle him and act like he was my little baby, and I actually found the whole act extremely cute, from his side of course. But not now. I only hated him for doing it.
Everything crashed for me. I moaned and looked away, shook my head. “Why can't you just grow up?”, I said angrily and reached out to him in an attempt to take away the tissues from him.
“No!”
I tried taking him by the arm instead and force him to give them to me, but he just got to his feet and stumbled away. “Don't... don't even... don't touch me!” He sounded almost hysterical and I hated him even more for a few seconds.
“Seriously, you don't have to be such a drama queen! Yeah, that's what you are – a fucking drama queen. Will you shut up and listen to me, please?!”
He didn't shut up. Of course. I wasn't surprised. I tried really hard not to scream at the top of my lungs, but oh God that man knew how to be annoying. The five minutes he stood there, acting childish, probably was the longest minutes of my life. When he finally sat down again I put my legs up on the sofa, crossed them and looked at him with a serious look at my face. This could be my only chance to sort it all out. Of course I didn't expect him to believe me or that things magically would be good again – but he needed to hear it.
“When I said it wasn't what it looked like, I didn't lie. It wasn't. I was so fucking pissed off at you for ruining my night, so when this really cute guy walks up to me and starts flirting I think that it doesn't matter, that you deserved it. He kissed me and he got to touch me, but when he went to get his car I realized I couldn't do it. I really couldn't. Not even to piss you off. This will sound cheesy, but I realized exactly how much you meant to me and how much I loved you, and that I really couldn't see myself grow old with anyone else. So I ran away before he got back and hurried home, just to find you in bed with another woman.” Tears made my sight extremely blurry, and I hated it. “I just couldn't believe you would do such a horrible thing, even though I was close to do it myself. I just couldn't get it. So yeah, Josh... you cheated on me for a misunderstanding.”
It was silent again. I was him struggle to find some words, but they just wouldn't come. Thomas didn't say anything, of course – I couldn't see why he would even open his mouth at that moment. I wiped my eyes, careful not to destroy my make-up or let any tears escape. I didn't know why I wanted to cry so badly, so suddenly. Was it because it all was so fucking stupid, or because it really was my fault? A part of me tried to think that he shouldn't have fucked that woman anyway, that it was wrong and that he could have stayed and talk to me, ask me what the hell I was doing. He would've easily take that boy down, I knew it.
“I'm sorry for interrupting now, but our time is out... we can schedule another session next week, if you're both available then.”
We both stood up and Josh said that we would call – not him, we – and then we left the building. It was all silent in the car, and since it would take forever to get home because of the traffic and the forever would be even longer I was happy when Josh turned on the radio and turned up the volume a bit. I knew exactly why he did it, and to be honest so did I feel the exact same thing. I wanted to be alone, do some thinking, but he was the one with the car and even with things so fucked up he wouldn't let me get a cab or walk home, leave me on my own. I was thankful for that, really. The music that filled the car was low enough to not be disturbing, but exact so loud that you couldn't talk. Start a conversation.
He parked outside the house and it was so silent after the music had disappeared. I just wanted to leave, flee in to the house and avoid Josh for a while. I couldn't move.
“Tay...”
“No. Don't talk.”
“But I -”
“Seriously, no. Don't. I need to be alone.” I opened the door and got out. “But, you know, you still cheated on me. You could have come to me and shake me up, ask me what I was doing. You're my husband, for fucks sake.” And with those words I slammed the door shut and hurried into the house.
I spent the whole afternoon in bed, crying my eyes out. Everything just hurt too much, and I really didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I didn't want to feel like that, I wanted to be happy with Josh, but I guessed that it was too much to ask for. He was still all I ever wanted...
Maybe that meeting hadn't been such a great idea, after all. Yeah, we'd finally actually talked about it – I didn't know why we'd not talked before; two whole fucking weeks had passed since I catched them – but I didn't like the feeling. It just hurt even more, knowing that things weren't as I thought they were.
About ten o'clock I went downstairs to grab some food. The tears had disappeared long time ago, but I'd fallen asleep. It takes a lot of energy to just cry, and I needed that nap. I had heard Josh leave home a couple of hours ago, but I hadn't cared enough to go see if he'd really left the house or if it had been my imagination. But I hadn't heard him get back, so seeing him sitting by the kitchen table made me stop. I could see he'd also cried a lot and he was looking tired. He locked his eyes on mine. “Do you want to talk now?”
I shook my head and headed towards the refrigerator, already knowing what I should take. He took my wrist and made me stop. “No, Josh please...”
“You can't run forever. You know that, right? We really need to talk, so why not now?”
“Because!” I freed myself and backed into the kitchen counter. “I don't want to, not tonight...”
“Yes, tonight!” He had raised his voice, but I didn't know if he was angry or just desperate. “We're talking now.”
“No.”
“Yes, we are.”
“No.”
“Then I'll talk. I need to get this off my chest, so please listen to me. I know that it was a really bad and stupid thing of me to do, but as you didn't expect me to follow you I didn't expect you to come home so soon. I was upset and sad, and if it matters to you she wasn't even good. I wasn't that good either, because I had second thoughts all the time. I panicked when you came in to the room, but I thought it didn't matter. I was glad you came, because that gave me a reason to stop. The only thing I could think of was that I wondered what you've been doing, how far you'd gone with that guy. God, I hated him so much, and yet I had no idea who he was. I know you probably hate me and everything, and I haven't apologized for what I did yet. I'm so sorry. As I said, it was really stupid and I'm so sorry. If I could turn back time, I would've done it and get out of the car instead, make a scene with you. That would've been so much better, I know that now with a little perspective on it all, but I really couldn't think. I'm so, so, so sorry Tay.”
Apparently, I had some tears left. I turned my face away, didn't really want to face him. I wanted that apology to be enough, I wanted it to magically make everything okay, but there was still so many things to think about and things to work on.
“I'm scared”, I whispered as the tears began to fall. “I'm so fucking scared...”
Instantly Josh stood up and pulled me towards him, held me close. “Ssh Tay, don't cry. There's no need to be scared.”
I hid myself against his shirt and closed my eyes, cried even more. It was too long ago he'd held me this close. It was too long ago I got a hug from anyone – especially from him.
“Tell me what's wrong”, he murmured and stroke me over my back. “I promise I'll try to help you. You know you can tell me anything...”
I knew I couldn't keep my secret for too long. And I definitely knew that I couldn't shut up any more now. I had to tell him sometime, so why not now? Maybe it was time to do that.
It had to be done.
I took a deep breath, inhaled his scent before I looked at him. He looked worried, like he genuinely cared about me. This was like it was supposed to be. Finally.
“I'm pregnant.” I couldn't make my voice any louder than a whisper, but I knew he heard it anyway. It was quiet enough for that.
I saw the shock getting to him as he realized I wasn't joking. He was just staring at me, and I saw the confusion and every other feeling he could possible have in his eyes.
“How... how... for how long...?”
“The day after the party, so I've known for about two weeks... but I've had it for a little while before I knew too.” I blushed a little, knew I had some explaining to do. “I got so scared, Josh. With everything falling apart I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how I was supposed to tell you between the fights and I was scared you wouldn't even care, and -”
“Wait.” He gently put a finger over my lips. “You thought... that I wouldn't care?”
“I don't know. Josh, please try to see it my way...” I tried to swallow all the tears. I had a feeling we would argue again, and I didn't want that. I already knew I would've had a breakdown right there and then, and nothing would've matter. Would Josh even care, react, do something? “Everything was going down, falling apart and I didn't know where I had you, I -”
He shook his head and took away the finger, kissed me. “Ssh”, he whispered. “Tay, this is great. Okay? This is nothing more than a miracle. It doesn't matter that you didn't tell me straight away – I'm not mad. Well yeah okay, I'm mad, but only at myself. I'm not mad at you. I understand, and...” He started to smile, a smile that lit up the whole kitchen. “This is just great!”
I couldn't help that I giggled. I'd never seen Josh this happy, not even when I'd said I wanted to marry him. Not even at the altar, when we both said “I do”. I couldn't even describe the happiness I felt by only watching him being happy.
Oh God. We were going to have a kid. Together. Our kid.
“You're going to be a great father”, I said happily and stood on my tiptoes to kiss him lightly on one of the chipmunk-cheeks of his.
He hugged me even closed and smiled that crooked little smile I still loved. “I know.”
HEJ JAG ÄLSKAR DET HÄR OCH DU SKRIVER UNDERBART OCH JAG ÄLSKAR DET HÄR - OCH JA CAPS LOCK ÄR NÖDVÄNDIGT SÅ DET SÅ <3
Såg "Sour Candy"-musikvideon framför mig hela tiden :3 OCH TACK FÖR ATT DET SLUTADE LYCKLIGT, MINA KÄNSLOR HADE INTE PALLAT ETT DEPPIGT SLUT.
Och jag vet att jag inte skulle säga nåt - men DET ÄR INGET FEL PÅ DIN GRAMMATIK JU. Inte ens grammar-nazi-jag hittade nåt ju C:
Aw, det var jättefin :D Trevligt med ett lyckligt slut också c:
och jag beundrar dig för att välja att skriva på engelska trotts att du vet du brukar göra fel då [inte för att jag hittade några fel], själv känner jag mig så kass på engelska så jag inte skulle vilja ge mig på det ens (...däremot skulle jag vilja kunna skriva på kinesiska men mitt ordförråd är för litet för det än i alla fall, o det finns typ ingen grammatik alls i kinesiska <33 xD)
